The WAS-band.

 a chance conversation...

My Wasband, the former “Mister”, …. feel free to use that term. I coined it, and you may use it. Yes, thank you, I thought you’d like it... 

The Wasband was from Pithville, P. – A.  Of course I abused it, how could I not. I told him any poor sot from Piss-ville doesn’t deserve the likes of me! And sure enough, one day he decided to leave. There was a note that said “You’re right. Goodbye.”

I’m not very proud of what I did to the man. I pounded him too hard, I presume. Hard quick body blows were my specialty. Stiff shots to the ribs and psyche. Takes their breath away. Tires them out. I don’t play that way anymore. I don’t play, period. I learned that about myself. I hurt people so I can love them later…or some such horsescrap…my shrink….my shrink is an uptight bitch with a stick up her ass, and I tell her, “By-the-minute, honey, you make more money than anyone in the entire county…and that includes whores and politicians.”

She doesn’t much like it, but I pay the bills and have the connections and she feeds off the likes of me. She’s a society junkie who crosses and tramples all ethical and professional boundaries necessary just to  get close enough to sniff a whiff of rich asshole. I know that’s crude, and I’m workin’ on it, but it’s also true.

But, okay…you’re not here to talk about my back-story. Let’s talk about the Foundation. I was at the President’s dinner over at the University last night. Thought the winds would blow away all the tents, but they didn’t and it turned out alright, at least as much as those functions go. I fund the Horticulture School research lab. It’s got my name on the building. It was his idea. The irony here, I guess, is that he’s long gone and the building stands with MY name on it. “Piss off to Pissville, peasant…” is basically what I told him, and damned if he didn’t. Married some young cutie he taught in goddamn high school, if you can believe that. My Uncle Ray, he privately held a chain of groceries and a lot of land up by the Bay area. It’s family land, or it was until we sold it…sold the groceries to a chain. My Uncle Ray always said, given the substantial wealth of the family… “You can not trust the motives of outsiders, especially suitors.” He was always suspicious of Riggs…thought he was a …you know…thought he was way out of his element. Thought maybe he rose high enough to suffer nose bleed at Thanksgiving dinner, but no, that was my doin’ plain and simple.

But let’s talk about “the trail”, shall we? I love the Hopper Trail…walk it everyday…sun up and sundown. My knees aren’t too good so I need to walk. It’s painful at times, but the trail, it soothes my soul. I love the Gnarly-Gnome Oak, do you know the one? ...contorted roots twisting up through the rock?….and the shale bluffs, the creek, the trout. I don’t like snakes but you have to accept them. We had a mountain lion scare two months back. Coyotes will snatch your cats right off your patio. But my god, living IN the world and not sheltered from it…!  This is where Riggs and I parted company. I knew he was bored silly once he was fired from the university and all he had to look at all day was me. In those days I was restricted to the wheelchair….before I could get around again…but, eventually he got around…too much. He was the hit of the club. Everybody just loved charming Riggs. That stopped with his “egregious impropriety” and the club regrets losing this member here, and had he stayed I’d have personally seen he lost his own, I assure you. Afterwards, I was inconsolable for a bit and I down-sized to a smaller place. Better for me not be with that ‘community-club crowd’,  but I’m right down the canyon with a hot spring pool and Jacuzzi. Helps me so much….

Okay, you didn’t want to know all this, so let’s get on with the topic at hand. The trail will have markers, maps and placards identifying specific trees and various native species. It will have plaques at landmarks, like the Horseman’s Bridge, and there will be an updated “posting” board for local wildlife sightings. Not just snakes and mountain lion sightings…but deer, and bobcats…racoons and skunks. There were bear here five years ago…so, you never know. The Bird people want their own board, which is fine with me. There’s trout in there the size of my arm. I see them, they like the hot spring water vents, and the confluence of smaller streams. You’d think they know they’re protected, they’re so casual. It’s quite a joyful place, and it gives me a lot of pleasure to support it.

How’s that?

Hell, no, you cannot take my picture. My niece handles all my shots. Call her. We have PR stills, but don’t be taking any. I usually appear with dignitaries, but only if required….but a shot, now..Like this?! Please!….not one in the last 8 years, so don’t take it personal that I still have my vanity about me. I was never bell of the ball so there wasn’t much vanity to begin with, believe me.

Doe this conclude this interview? It’s a puff piece really. Be sure to visit the trail. If you ever want to get some wonderful, deep state history about the family we can arrange an interview or a speaking engagement….

Where does this run? Just local or syndicated? Okay, yes, local makes sense. That’s fine, probably no papers in Piss-ville anyhow.