RUFUS AND THE DUKE

Rufus.

Yes, Madam.

I am the Queen.

Yes, Your Highness.

I AM the Queen, you know?

Might I venture a guess, Your Highness?

I love ventures! Venture on…!!

Did your nephew visit recently?

…UP the Empire!

The Nephew?…Madam? I see he logged in last night. Must have been after-hours, as I closed up quite late.

Why, Yes! …just this afternoon!

Indeed. I also see he brought a “Guest”.

Oh yes! He DID bring a guest! How did you know?

It’s my job to know, Madam. Also, I have noted that they signed the Log at 10:30 PM, but did not bother to sign out. If I may, might I enquire as to whom the guest might be?

Oh! You mean the young Duke ?

Ah. ‘A Duke’ was he? Someone new?

New? Who was new?

The ‘young Duke’, Madam. The last visitor to accompany your nephew was the Rear Admiral, as I recall.

Oh! I had forgotten about him. You are right again, Rufus! He was a bit overbearing for me. Don’t you agree?

Frankly, he seemed a tad young’ish to be an Admiral.

Probably the reason he was in arrears…

And who was it before that?

Would that be the young ‘Cabinet Minister’ ?

You remember him, do you, Madam?

Oh, yes! He came out of his cabinet just to visit Me. His first night out, in fact!

I’m sure it was. Was that the strapping young man with the various tattoos?

Oh. No. That was the Major, just back from the wars overseas!

I see. So many visitors...

The Palace is a busy place.

So it seems. Tell me,while they were visiting, was there any mention of “Weed” between them?

Yes! As I recall we had a rather lively conversation regarding tweed, and I admit, I DO miss the day when a man dressed manly! They seemed to agree. 

Tweed...

As naughty as this may seem, as a precocious teen, I admit to sneaking in and “rubbing the nub” while “sniffing the suede” as they’d say in my day…

Pardon me, Madam?

Oh, yes….I was found curled inside my Uncle’s walking coat, so course, so warm, while drooling on his leather elbow patch! I got in a bit of trouble for that, but, I suspect it was a result of that intoxicating Tobacco! Speaking as a Woman, and not a Monarch, mind you…not to mention, as a pubescent teen...well, I found it to be Ambrodiasiatically orgasmic!

Madam!

Forgive my sinful revelation, Rufus, but snuggled up in that burley tweed weave, reeking sweetly of pipe residue…ohh!….enough to make a young girl’s head spin….and the rest of her, simply tingle!

Measured steps, Madam…measured steps…we don’t want to release too much information, now do we?

I suppose not, but the boys agreed, they too love a burley Swede.

Was it a Swede or a tweed, Madam?

Oh?! Did I make that mistake again? Ooo-hooo…flashing back, it seems I made the same mistake with the boys! Silly me.

Really?

Yes, indeed. My nephew…you know my nephew, Rufus.

Indeed.

The very talk of smoke prompted him to inquire about Reggie’s pipe collection.  He’s grown quite fond of them, and I suspect I may bequeath them to him, once I leave this orb. In fact, he asked if he could take a sniff. He and his friend…the rear…

You mean ‘the Duke’?

Yes. The Duke !… who had, in fact, heard about Reggie’s collection and seemed quite eager to try out an exotic tobacco he recently received from Turkey!…of all places.

“Turkish blends” can be quite exotic, Madam.

As we once were. Oh, how I wish we were alone, Reg’…you and I.

Madam…Rufus.

Hello?

Yes. We are on the telephone…Did you smoke this weed?

Smoke a Weed? OH! Heavens, NO!

I must say, I am relieved…

I drank it in a tea. Leafy…Like dandelion, I believe. Lovely. Really. Serenely comforting…so soothing, and I’m sure you would agree! Would you like to come upstairs for a wee bit of a taste, Reggie?

I-I-I, see. It’s Rufus, Madam, and not Reggie. Now, what about ‘the Boys'? Did they partake?

Oh! They were giddy! So thrilled to partake! You must realize that some of these pipes have significant historical value…China…India…the trade routes! They were absolutely thrilled to partake!

I’ll bet. And after they became ‘thrilled’, what did they do?

Oh! Well! My handsome Prince gave the Duke ‘A TOUR’!

They took a tour of the building? Really?

Oh, no, not so much the building, but the grounds…the estate…the gardens…the topiary…the maze…gone for hours, those two…

Hours?

It’s no small Estate, Reggie!

Rufus.

May he rest in peace.

Indeed. And what time, if you can recall, did The Boys happen to leave?

Why…I thought it was just this afternoon, but now?…I  simply can't say. The Duke did leave with an attractive young lady, I remember that! She came by to give the Duke a lift home. I assume my nephew joined them. No idea what time...

I see. 

Oh, yes! At one point, I remember waking...my canary was tweeting...I suppose I had dosed off for a spell. I found them just giggling with glee! They were having a gay old time, just back from their tour! All tussled and spent. The children always did enjoy the grounds. Did you see the trout pond? It brings me such joy…

Yes, I did, Madam. Breathtaking.

Does your heart not smile when they leap UP into the waterfall?! So anxious to spawn, yet getting nowhere. Such frisky fellows! So driven!

Indeed. May I ask…?

Yes?

Have you drunk all your tea?

Why, yes, I believe I have. (sip) Is there more you can bring me?

I’m afraid we’ve run out of that particular Variety.

A shame…

A Shame, indeed.

I have no shame, Reggie. I will await your knock on my basement door, then sneak you in, as I have before.

Please don’t drop the knickers until I do…promise me.

Anything…

Madam, we’ve reached the point at which I must say that I am not comfortable with this conversation…

Reggie! Damn it! "Reggae Reggie" wherefore-art-thou!!?? Get your ass up here and Make It comfortable, you wild and foolish man!

Please…

Please, my Ass !!!, Reginald!!

Rufus…

What have I always said to you, Reg’?Aye? Like it or not - LIFE! - As we know it!…was not MADE!…to be Comfortable, nor NICE! So come get some before it passes you by!

Damn you, Madame…you are some crazy bitch…you are.

You tease me, so well, you wicked man. Good night, my Reggae Bear.

Sleep tight, Darling.