My Guest, TINNITUS

The Phone !

...It woke me. What time…? Why’s someone calling now? Mom? Dad?…wait…where the fu’…? This is my house. Come clear…come on…focus! The phone…it’s still ringing. That’s not my phone. It doesn’t ring like that! It sounds like the phone back home, when I was a kid. You know? “The Classic” in the living room? The wall-phone in the kitchen?

 Maybe my cell is defective?! But…it’s off.

It’s still ringing. What the hell? Walk the apartment. Is it outside? It’s still ringing! Who the hell would be outside? It’s fucking freezing! It’s got to be in here. It’s gotta be. Too loud. Is it getting louder…? Did it just get louder?! What the hell is going on?! Stop. Listen. ….shhh. Wait.  ….shhhhh…….

It’s still ringing. It’s in this room. I can hear it! So goddamn clear, like it’s…IN….my….head.

No……….

Well answer the fucking thing so it stops ringing!

I CANNNN’TTTTT!!!!!

My head, my whole entire head is vibrating, it’s echoing like the house is empty. Like I’m pretending not to be home.

I’M HOME I JUST CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE!!!!

Oh, Christ. What did I do to deserve this…please hang up. Please…

Think through this if you can concentrate…MAKE yourself concentrate! There’s a rationale. Gotta be. Sinuses? That tickle in the throat? Estuation tubes…inner ear? What do they say?  Hold your nose? Or….Blow!

Aaaugghhh…..damn that hurts.

But the ringing is still here. For a moment a brief moment I want to stab a chopstick in my ear – release the pressure that set off the valve, that deprived the flow or is squeezing a nerve. Oh please. This can’t be permanently…oh please. It’s the middle of the night. Is this my life, every goddamn night? Please no.

And then it stopped. Just like that.

Two days later I swore I heard sirens and pulled over to the side of the road. Still heard the sirens, but now mixed with the blare of horns. People were yelling, shaking at me, but they were the ones proceeding illegally. When that engine roars by and those air-horns blare, they’ll find out that the trucks are there.   But no fire truck drove by. No police, no emergency, nor ambulance….

The siren grew louder and so did the passing horns. I got back in the flow. I knew the radio was on, but I could not hear it. I focused on the road. I shrugged my “I’m sorry…”  to the few passer-byes I passed. The civil ones, at least. The sirens had quieted down now… to just one. I was somewhat grateful, and drove on. But kept my eye on the rear, just to be sure.

When it rains, and the barometer drops, the helicopters shuttle in from afar to hover within-head...something you’d hear thumping low over the canopy in some tropical war zone …

Most times, the chainsaws will start to whine when it’s dry. Who the hell is trimming trees at 3 AM and why?! 

But the pain…THE PAIN is the killer and it’s pinnacle - the Sky.

My head explodes, I scream. Let me die. It’s real. Too real. Passengers panic!...and no wonder why. 

End of story, I can no longer fly.

My hearing near gone, I’m terrified…

but have learned…

that by rev’ing the big-bored engine on my motorbike…

The one I ride, up here, Inside…

If all I hear is WIND
I know I still DEFY.

(for Ferk)